When someone we love is extremely sick and close to dying, we may worry about them. We may wonder if they are hungry or thirsty. We may want to feed them and give them water. But sometimes, that is not what they need or want. In this article, I will explain why your loved one is not starving or dehydrated to death and how you can help them feel comfortable and loved.
The Brain Shuts Down the Drive to Eat and Drink
I spoke with a doctor named Eric Barr in March 2021, who works with terminally ill patients. He told me that when people are dying, their brain tells them to eat and drink less. This is normal and natural. It means that their body is getting ready to die.
Many people believe that giving food and water to someone who is sick is a way of showing love and care. When I was a kid, my grandma made soup and sandwiches for me when I was ill. I have seen other people do the same thing for their loved ones. It is exceedingly kind and sweet.
But when someone is dying, it is different. They may not want to eat or drink anything at all. They may say no, turn their head away, or show signs that they are not hungry. We should respect their wishes and not force them to eat or drink against their will. Trying to make them eat or drink when they are sleeping or not fully awake can be very detrimental to them. It can make them choke, have trouble breathing, or have pain in their body.
When someone dies, their body no longer requires as much energy as it did before. It focuses on keeping its brain, heart, lungs, and kidneys working. Giving them too much food or water can cause their body to work harder than necessary. It can also cause their lungs to fill with water or their legs to swell. This can make them feel worse and die sooner.
Conclusion
Your loved one is not suffering from hunger or thirst. They are going through a natural process of dying. The best thing you can do for them is to be with them, talk to them, hug them, and tell them you love them. You can also get help from people who care for individuals with terminal illnesses, such as hospice or palliative care. They can make your loved one feel more comfortable and peaceful. They can also support you and your family during this challenging time.
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Compassion Crossing Academy — Free and paid online courses are available to teach caregivers, nurses, social workers, chaplains, end-of-life advocates, and educators, including death doulas, how to confidently coordinate complex care.
The Death Deck is often a wonderful conversation starter.
Compassion Crossing, LLC, via Peter M. Abraham, BSN, RN, EOLD, offers on-site services in Madison County, KY, as well as in the seven nearby counties—Clark, Estill, Fayette, Garrard, Jackson, Jessamine, and Rockcastle—and provides virtual options when no local provider is available.
Hospice Buddy: Although Jamie Haberman, RN, CHPN, isn’t a certified end-of-life doula, her virtual services are highly valuable.
Currently, no official organization regulates end-of-life doulas (EOLDs). Remember that some EOLDs listed in directories may no longer be practicing, so it’s important to verify their current status.
End-of-Life Doula Schools
Before you consider a death doula school, please volunteer for a local hospice provider as a “companion volunteer” to gain experience with strangers who are dying, family dynamics, and staff dynamics. The author also recommends reading the article Economic rant: The death doula crisis we aren’t talking enough about, as most death doula schools do not emphasize that being a death doula is a calling rather than a career.
The following are end-of-life (aka death doula) schools for those interested in becoming an end-of-life doula:
Compassion Crossing Academy: Although it isn’t a dedicated death-doula school, it offers unique classes that can help death doulas expand their practice. It serves as an important resource for individuals looking to deepen their understanding and grow in this meaningful profession.
Remember that there is no official accrediting body for end-of-life doula programs. Certification simply shows you’ve completed an unaccredited course and received a certificate of completion. It’s advisable to have discovery sessions with any death doula school you’re considering — even if it isn’t listed here — to see if it meets your needs. Also, ask questions and reach out to references, such as former students, to assess whether the school provided a solid foundation for launching your own death doula practice.
